Grief. Know Better. Do Better.

Let’s learn more to better support those on a grief journey.

Experiences that may cause grief:

• Death of a friend or loved one

• Pregnancy loss

• Serious illness

• Relationship breakup

• Business failure

• Major financial loss

Grief affects your entire self.

• Emotional

• Social

• Physical

• Spiritual

• Mental

How does grief show up?

Thoughts:

• Thoughts about unfairness

• Worries about how you will cope

• Anger at the person for leaving you

• Thoughts that you can’t go on

• Thoughts about what you should have done or said

• Thoughts about how things are going to be different

• Thoughts about what you are going to miss

• Remembering conversations (or arguments)

• Wishing that you had done things differently

• Unwanted memories

• Dreams or nightmares

• Happy memories

• Thoughts that they’re at peace

• Thoughts that they are not suffering

• Seeing or hearing your loved one

Feelings:

• Fear

• Anxiety

• Guilt

• Regret

• Numb

• Hopeless

• Helpless

• Anger

• Sadness

• Longing

• Frustration

• Forgetfulness

• Irritable

• Tired

• Fatigued

• Pain

• Heartache

• Emptiness

• No feelings at all

• Shock

• Disbelief

• Feeling sick

• Unable to eat

• Unable to sleep

• Tired

• Relief

• Peace

Actions:

• Dwell, ruminate, ponder

• Avoid reminders

• Avoid being alone

• Avoid being with people

• Carry on as normal

• Keep busy

• Tell other people you feel ok

• Stay in bed

• Stop doing things that you used to do

• Drink alcohol

• Distract yourself

• Behave recklessly, take risks

• Remember them

• Visit their resting place

• Want to be near them

• Talk to them

• Look at photos

• Speak to people who were close to them

• Look through their belongings

How long does it last?

There is no set length or duration for grief, and it may come and go in waves.People who experience common grief may experience improvements in symptoms after about
6 months, but the symptoms largely resolve in about 1 to 2 years. This can be considered a baseline for what the grieving timeline can look like. From Psyche Central

Learning From Grievers

In 2023, an informal survey of 65 grievers was conducted. These are the results:

What is helpful when you are grieving a loss of a loved one

Say their name:

“I love when people tell me a memory or tell me that something reminded them of my dad or mom. For me, when others want to share a story or ask a question about them is so helpful. I love to talk about my loved ones.”

Give tokens of remembrance:

Beautiful greeting cards

Photo gifts

Christmas ornament

Something of theirs

Plant a tree in their honor

A memory bench

Artwork

Remember milestone dates:

Birthdays

Anniversaries

Death anniversaries

Father’s Day / Mother’s Day

Holidays

“I’m thinking of you.”

Help carry the load:

Help with kids

Restaurant gift cards

DoorDash credits

Easy meals

Items for guests

Just take control

Be there:

“It was so comforting when friends would come over and sit with me- talking, walking, and listening. Not waiting for me to tell them what I needed- because I had no idea- they just showed up.”

What is not helpful?

Avoiding the topic:

“Let me talk about memories. Death tends to scare people away, but those grieving know it is so much better to be asked about it, rather than ignoring the top

Thinking grief has an clear endpoint:

Grief doesn’t end, it only changes. I’ve come to realize that it’s not only ok to still be grieving all these years later, but it’s also normal and healthy

Triggering comments:

God needed them more than we did.

They had a long life.

You need to move on.

Everything happens for a reason.

At least you know you can get pregnant.

Stop feeling sorry for yourself.

At least they are no longer in pain.

I know just how you feel.

Casually asking “How are you?”

“Literally the worst question ever for someone who's grieving. I was asked that SO MANY TIMES that I just started looking at them with my "are you kidding me right now" expression. That's never a good question, in my opinion.” If you’re going to ask, try adding one word to make it more genuine: How are you today?

How can we approach grievers more positively at work?

Be a safe haven

Let them know you will always listen.

Give them space.

Check in on them a little extra.

Come alongside on projects

A little help is sometimes needed to help get things rolling again when returning to work after a loss. It can feel good to know you have a partner. Not to do the work, but to bounce ideas off of and use as a sounding board.

Relook at bereavement leave policies

Bereavement leave is the paid time off a person is allowed when someone close to them passes away. The average bereavement policy in America offers 3 days paid time off for loss of a close relative.

Give grace. Offer encouragement.

Through the grieving process, a person’s confidence can really take a hit too. While you come alongside grievers to support them, also give them a little grace on the load they are carrying, and offer a lot of encouragement. It will really help them get back on their feet again.

This information was compiled by Natalie Eisenberg of Sioux Falls, South Dakota, in 2023 following the loss of her mother to cancer and the experiences that followed.